Christmas Alone with Crepe Cake and Lasagna!

As unfortunate and sad as it actually sounds.. spending Christmas Eve alone is not that bad. Or I am really good at fooling myself. But in reality, I have never really celebrate Christmas before. Our country/family is more the New-Year celebration type. But being in Seattle, where almost everybody celebrate Christmas is a little depressing.

Two friends bailed on me at the very last minute. It's not like they don't have a legit reason, but I can't help to be a little disappointed. It kinda pissed me off knowing that I could have been somewhere else, if I didn't have the plan with them and have them cancelled on me later in the day. I could have been at a friend's place for little Christmas gathering.

However, I did accomplished a couple of things on this Christmas Eve! I made my first cake EVER. Well, making them alone for the first time I mean. I made crepe cake, one of my favorite ever. EVER. I remember my friend bought my crepe cake for my birthday and I did the same for my grandpa's birthday! Uggh, what a summer. :)

Here it is..

The unconditional love, that comes with worries.

i think someone followed me on the way home tonight.

yes, it was indeed scary. i was really scared. well, i'm really scared.


I decided to buy some pepper spray, since something really creepy just happened to my roommate too. :(


and then I decided to tell my dad. despite the fact that i know he would get worried. Like really worried. (I personally think he has implanted my paranoia about this kind of thing in my head..) but then I feel relieved when I tell him. :( i just want to sense of security, especially from him.

so he told me to be careful. :(
I will, I love you dad.



I love my dad.

Is it really okay...?

these days I have been feeling.. not like myself today.

I feel like I'm losing the grips of everything that I have to take care. I feel like I've lost my ability to control my life.

Moreover, everyone keeps saying that everything is going to be alright. But is it really?

I hate it when I'm confused about my own life, and I keep postponing it. I kept thinking that I can do this or that since my fields of study is pretty broad. But can I really be that carefree?

Can I really simply just don't care about people in my life and just move on with all I've got?


Of course I can't be selfish. I would never do that... But sometimes it's just tiring. It really is.


See what I mean when I said that I'm losing the grip of my own life? I lost the ability to prioritize. I feel so vulnerable, but yet there's no one to lean on. Well, not currently with me right now anyway.


And I just want to say that I give up. But I haven't given up, and my heart has not given up on me. I know I can do it. But I just hate this confusion. I want to move on. I want to know.



I hope November aren't going to stay like this forever. I really hope not.

oops. HALLOWEEN GONE WRONG. or not!

I had a good time this weekend, the Halloween weekend. :) Well, technically, if i don't get a job here, this is my last halloween in Seattle, which my roommate doesn't permit me to talk about it. But oh well, we went out on Friday and Saturday nights. And it was a lot of fun.

There weren't that many impressive costumes out there this year though. I am sort of disappointed. I mean last week, when I was with Starlight Children's Trick or Treating night, there were so many kids in the most adorable costumes ever! :) But yah, adults and kids. Definitely different.

Quote of the Month: October

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. 

Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to 

themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on 

unreasonable people." 

- George Bernard Shaw

the grim october

I've been so busy with everything since school starts.. I remember those two weeks before school started that I just sat around not doing anything, waiting to meet up with people and updating my resume, portfolio, as well as applying for jobs. While at the same time, I would be watching all these series marathon on tv.

oh, how productive.



But right now I am so busy, getting myself a job for after graduation in this horrid economic atmosphere, surviving through physiology midterm exams, doing my internship (which i'm actually really please to get!) while at the same time, manage my social life.

I told one of my close friends about how overwhelmed I am with the situation, and she said, "oh, typical you!" I wish I have a good response for that, because this time it was different. I actually wanted to give up.

To go into further details, I personally think it is the job-hunting that is tearing my typical spirit down. Despite the fact that I am, for most of the time, over worried about a lot of things in my life-- more specifically the things that are under my responsibilities, I have always been pushing myself to do better, to remain positive, and to do my best.

But last week, I didn't have the encouragement that I need. I was stressed out because I didn't have enough time to study. (Partially, I blamed my time management skills) And I have multiple exams coming up, and at the same time I have to attend all these information session about graduation jobs. I made it to most of the ones that I have planned to go. But in the end, found out that they don't accept international students.

I've been attending career fairs, info session, networking event, and yet I don't feel like I have a chance. Yes, there are some optimistic moments. I was still stressed out.

And, to dampen my situation, I also got sick.




Ughhhhh!




Then yesterday, one of my roommates, Anjali, told me that she admires my efforts in getting a job. I know that was not much of a compliment. But... it makes all the difference for me. She told me that her other international friends have given up at the first chance they could, but I was able to keep going even though it's like walking into the dark. That was really all I need. So thank you so much Anjali. Thank you so much.

So right now, I've decided to remain positive about everything. I mean, I even got the internship that I wanted, even though it's unpaid. But I think this is the opportunity to learn about a lot of social interactions that I've never experienced before. I'll get to work with families and children with terminal diseases. I'll experience sadness and loss of hope in a rather different way, but at the same time, I'll be creating events to put smiles on their faces.

So I've decided, to achieve that I should not be pessimistic about this whole situation. Maybe, I haven't been looking in the right place. (=






Here're some moments that cheer me up hopefully it could do the same thing to you.

On top of my apartment and one beautiful morning :)

Oh, the lonely days

Columbia Icefield, Jasper National Park

Icefield Parkway

Lake Louise, Banff National Park

continue with my summer tales, in different time zones

I honestly need to catch up with all the info about all my summer trips.

well enough has been said about my time in Thailand.
but more is coming from the the family trip to Banff National Park
and of course my early arrival in Seattle  :)

Catching up with my summer tales..

Hello everyone,

It has definitely been a while since my last post. Well things are pretty busy here at home. I'm done with the internship finally. There is actually so much to say about that. The internship was definitely.. An experience of a lifetime.

Working at Phatra definitely allow me to see the world from a different point of view. I learned how to use what I learned at school in reality. I see theories being proved true and also being torn apart with the recent financial crisis. If I were to describe everything that I learn this summer all in this post. He'll, it's goig to be pretty long. Well, I think the most important thing that I learned is that finance isn't that bad. Well not as bad as my friend Lucas has made me believed. It's the matter of personally preference. People who worked there seem to be enjoying themseleves, of course with an occasional moment of tiredness. But they welcome another day of analyzing the economy and the business world every morning they are at work. I am jealous to see them know exactly what they want to do with their life. Lol, well considering my age and theirs. I think I still have some time to go.

Yes. I admit that I still don't know how my life is goig to be. My dad still pushes me towards finance, which like I've said isn't as bad as I had expected. But I can't exactly give up my healthcare dream can I? Who knows this would be such a pain when I postpone my decision between economics and healthcare. Who knows? I wish I had someone to warn me. People just say that I'm crazy for choosing both. But that's more like a praise rather than "err, maybe it's time for you to choose since it would be harder as you grow up."

I think another good lesson for me this summer is how to manage time you spend with all the people you love. When I was still working, well to be more specific, interning. I spent all the weekdays staying at the condo near my work place. I barely get to see my parents and my family. But I dedicate all my weekend spending time wig them. Web though it's just going out to eat, sitting on that couch and watch tv, walking the dog by the lake, etc. These time meant something. Unfortunately not everyone see the world this way, and yes that makes me really sad and disappointed.

Tragically, I attended two funerals during my time here in Bkk. One is my good friend's grandma and another one is for the person who took care of my family when we went to Sydney in 2006. Good memories. Good times. Two people from my childhood within the same month. Unfortunate, it definitely is.

I remember eating dinner at my friend's house with her family. We were really tight for a year or so. And in the end I was such a bitch to her. I still haven't exactly apologized to her. But she seems to be forgetig bout it now. Earlier when I first came back and start working at Phatra, I was turnig 21. as ironic as it sounds. Well everyone know the 21st birthday is a BIG thing. Well for me I just had dinner with my good friends from elementary school. It was peaceful. But then her grandma passed away and attending her funeral makes me reflect upon my own life at hand. I think it would feel like the world would end in my case. I don't know whether I can handle it or not.

Sigh.

Consumers - What Makes Rich People Happy? (Besides Money) - CNBC

Consumers - What Makes Rich People Happy? (Besides Money) - CNBC


Note how the brands that make people happy are mostly technology, cars and chocolates.

disappointed.

i'm disappointed to myself today.  :(

i got myself into a car accident that could have been easily avoided. Yes, everyone is fine including me. To me, it looks just like a scratch on her car and on my friend's car (that I was driving).

First of all, I know I can totally avoid it. The whole thing is totally my fault. I wasted everyone's time. my time, the opponent's time, my friend's time, my friend's mom's time. :( I don't know. I just couldn't get myself to feel better.

The funny thing is that people thought that I was so calm. But at the point I almost cried my heart out. Just because I looked calm doesn't mean that I am calm.  :(

I'm glad my best friend noticed it though.

So while I was trying to make myself feel better. I edited some photos from last month. So here we go. Hopefully, this could cheer up someone out there, since if so, it would make me feel better definitely. *sigh*

the real tragedies that the world has officially accepted...

" In settings of resources constraint, it is necessary for rational resource allocation to prioritise TB treatment categories according to the cost-effectiveness of treatment of each category." Official WHO statement

Unbelievable, isn't it? As long as it is cost-effective, the low-resource countries should accept the ineffective treatments that the world-class organization is providing? :(



Page 141, Mountains Beyond Mountains

things that make you smile :)

Hung out with my family the past Sunday. Good time, really. Just sat there holding hands with grandpa, helping grandma with the cooking that eventually she gets irritated, hugging my baby cousin so tightly, and being called "old". 
Apparently my family thinks I look old. Is that a good thing? Should I take it as a good thing, looking mature despite my age, or the bad way, i just look old... -_-!!

polaroid, but not polaroid.

, originally uploaded by Maggie Lochtenberg.

Polaroid photos on newspaper.
I've always wanted to try that,

I figured that polaroid films would be avaible even now. obviously i'm wrong. now i don't have the change to do it.


i'm so overreacting. :P

Makes me miss the good old days...

19-06-10 I Would Do It All Again The Same ~ Explored Front Page :), originally uploaded by ƅethan.

this reminds me of the time when there was so many things to think and worry about..


hmmm.. childhood :D

i still want a puppy.

My Beagle baby (Nightly New), originally uploaded by Dja_Ram.

have i ever mentioned how much i love beagles? they are just absolutely adorable!! even though i've heard that they are just sooooo naughty sometimes, but how can you resist not loving this creature?

:))

"swallowing seeds and petals"

swallowing seeds and petals, originally uploaded by alexis mire.

I love the composition.

although swallowing seeds and petals is a little bit weird, with the perception that there's no metaphorical implications.

I just love it anyway... :)

Thanks to Alex Mire.

new intern

:)

Now I have a new friend interning in this department with me! I'm actually excited to get to know her better. She seems like a very interactive person.

my summer internship

I know it is indeed kinda sad when I have to start interning on the week of my birthday. But hey, if I don't push myself to start now, then when right?

So yeah, I started on Monday 6/21. I was pretty nervous though not that bad. But yeah, I walked into the building to the HR department and fill up some documents. I met up with another intern there. There were supposed to be 4 interns, but only 2 including me show up on that day. So I went to the research department. To be honest, I only get this internship because of connections. My dad knows the head of the department. Yah, I REALLY do get it easy. But to tell you the truth, no one would get this opportunity if they just applied. Like in my friend's case. I know he will be one of the best economists in the future. He got the internship with the Bank of Thailand, but not here. They didn't even bother to reply. That sucks right? :( I feel bad for him, but at least he's enjoying his internship too.

Anyway, first day was very slow. I just sat there waiting... and then waiting... some people walked in and introduced themselves to me. Nice people, at least. But the first day was the most boring day EVER. I literally just sat there with 4 computers that I have no access to. It's pathetic.

One important note, the research department has this morning meeting everyday. So we start the day.. relatively early. I have to be there at 7am in the morning! 7am, friends.....

But I did. I woke up at 6am on my birthday to go to the morning meeting. It was actually a really interesting experience. We discussed about something that just came on the news. I checked Bloomberg for the news, but it appears on the headlines after the meeting. It is amazing how fast information flows these days.



Oh well, I'll keep updating stuff on my blog :)
But yeah.. another thing to note: I just turned 21!! Hurray!!
(the legal age in Thailand is 20... so....)

"Enjoy the Music.."

Enjoy the Music.., originally uploaded by mzkaew.

Ahh, summer spent in Seattle.

2009.

good weather, good times!

flickr moments.

So. Are you interested to know why I have been updating my blogs with photos from flickr like constantly? Well, I just started my internship on Monday, June 21st 2010, and at work, I have no access to anything. By anything, I mean, gmail, hotmail, facebook, yahoo, youtube. But I still have access to the internet. Hence I have been spending a lot of time on flickr, and of course... updating my blog. :D

I haven't really updated anything because I am scared of getting caught in the act by my boss/supervisors. I'm supposed to be working really hard with numbers, but here I am blogging. Oh well, it's Friday afternoon and a little more than an hour of work is left.

Two of the things I've just realized today. Since I have spent so much of my time today rumaging on my flickr account, I realized that I should just update some of the photos on it. It has not been awhile, but i realized that there are so many other great photos that I can put on it. New goal of the day: Spend more time on flickr account. Promote myself a little more. Give me some actualy credits with photography. :) So that would be another one of my projects over the summer.



And... Yes, I should be talking about my summer internship... I'll wait until the next entry :P

"Verge of Happiness 02"

Verge of Happiness 02, originally uploaded by mzkaew.

Here are some of my photos!! :)

"Airport [Explore]"

Airport [Explore], originally uploaded by DavidShootsNikon..

WTF.. This guy jusy kept me amazed with all his interseting works!

more to come with my admiration!

Happy birthday..

Pigtail Braids, originally uploaded by lesretrouvailles.

She's one day older than I am :)

There's something about this picture that just makes me love it so much. The tone of the picture is really simple, it has this gravity.

:) Hmmmm


Her'es the link to her blog:
http://seecreatures.com/

Someday..

, originally uploaded by -gadgetgirl-.

:) Pleasant photo, isn't it?

thanks to -gadgetgirl-, making me smileeeee <3

"Smile," my new inspiration

Smile, originally uploaded by DavidShootsNikon..

how can you not smile looking at this? :D

"I Wandered Lonely"

I Wandered Lonely, originally uploaded by wentloog.

I always love this kind of photo.

Make me want to stay right where the photo was taken to witness the scene myself. :) Imagine looking at this on a windy day. hmmm <3

Simply Peaceful.
Thanks to wentloog~!!

the ruins of rage...

Since I got back, I've been to places around Bangkok making the typical errands. What I see around Bangkok are the typical Bangkok scene, thousands of people occupying the busy streets as the heat rises for the street even when the sun starts to set.

I see people walking in the normal spots, around the ruins of rage. People complain about not being able to go to their usual spots. Yes, I am really sad that central world is now burnt down. I remember all those hours I spent there, good times. But they have ignored... is why that happened in the first place?

Sigh. I'm just disappointed.

Wakeboarding:

I'm in pain. Not as much as what my friend convinced me I would feel today. But still.. I am in pain. My left arm. Ugh!!

But yeah, I went wake-boarding yesterday. My first time. :) It was so much fun. Yet, I couldn't make it pass the turnnnnnnnn!!! That second turnnnn!!! I really don't get it. I fell about ten times. But oh well, practice makes perfect right? :) There will be a next time.
















Sanny and me, splashing some water.

Oh dear, Family!

Family will always be family. Yes, you love them unconditionally. Yet sometimes, they just seem to have the talent to cause frustration for you.

Sigh, yes. yes. yes. I know I know. But I just can't help comparing it to when I was living alone. You have no idea how bad I feel right now for comparing, but I really really can't help it just now. It's just that my dad is all over me about how I dressed. Come on, I'm almost 21. I know what is appropriate and what is not. Ugh! I know, he only does that because he cares. But yeah, I'm just tired of it. Already, yes. There's just always something to be complain about the way I dressed for him. :(
>> tank, blazer, skirt ยังไม่ดีพอ จะเอาอะไรอีกอ่าาาา?
>> Trust me. It's not that hard, since obviously you trust me living in Seattle. Give me some credit.

that is why I'm in such a bad mood. :'(




then..
i thought i was about to have a long conversation with one of my best friend, but that didn't happen. not yet anyway. there're just soooo much to catch up with one another's life... i feel like i need to learn more about her life. we've been sort of.. out of contact for a while, and I know I'm such a bad friend. so that sorta brings me down too.



:'( แล้วยังมาอารมณ์เสียใส่แม่อีก :( :( :( :( :(

i'm just... disappointed in myself.

Chapter 5

I am so lucky, to be born to this fortune.


Although I don't have the experience that Paul Farmer may had as he was growing up, I remain hopeful that I will be like him some day.




Yet, my grades for this quarter are.. not so promising to follow his path. Ugh.

goal of the day

As I was lying around on the floor, my dad came home from work. So one of the goals for me today was to not turn on the air-con until later at night, when i'm about to head to bed. I've been successful so far.

But you guys know something funny? :) my dad was the one who took a nap at his usual spot. Suddenly he woke up and told me how hot it is and please turn on the air con. I found this is really funny, because here I am trying so hard to endure this weather, training myself to get used to this horrid weather. (It isn't actually that bad, just me.. complaining!) Then he who has been living here in Thailand, doesn't even care about the weather. turned on the air-con anyway.

Despite this incident, I'm stilll going to try to achieve my goal of getting used to this weather. But as of now, I just like my spot right now, where the air is blowing directly at me. Let me indulge myself for at least half and hour, please. Hmmmm <3

i miss seattle coffee already

I feel ashamed.

I feel ashamed that I miss lounging around in random cafe during summer time. finding good place to study or simply to just sit down and do some serious readings. I feel ashamed that I'm missing the warmth of the good Seattle coffee in the gloomy rainy days.

most importantly. I miss laying around on the grass in a newly explored parks on a sunny day like this. I was going to do so out in the backyard. Then I try to look for a blanket or sth, walked outside to find a nice spot. and I imagined, all the random animals I have found in my backyards crawling on me if in case i fell asleep. So here I am, sitting inside on a sunny day, blogging instead of reading.

:( But anyway, I do miss it already. and I feel ashamed. Here I am sitting at home, sipping awful coffee. I think I can blame that on myself since I was the one who made it.

I am scared that I would like living Seattle better than at home. I am scared that I will be one of those people I think I resent. :( I really feel scared.


Well, here's one of my all-time favorite coffee shop in Seattle. Shh.. it's a secret!
















P.S. I changed my mind about what would happen if I was lying outside right about now. The watering system just goes off on its own. I would have been drenched rather than attacked by the creepy insects and animals. HAHAHA that would be been hilarious!

Back to the Tropicals

My second day at home in Bangkok, Thailand. Summer 2010.

the first thing that came into mind once i step out of the plane on the Taipei for the transit was: "welcome back to the tropicals!" Hot air rushed pass my body and I can feel the warmth of the wind. I have completely forgot what it was like to .. live at home. I found this rather sad, but I think it is so true. The last time I actually stayed home for at least a month was Summer 2008. Two years later, I almost forgot how it was.. well it is like. Both weather and my family.

Yesterday, my first day at home, I was welcomed by my parents. They picked me up at the airport, and we then headed back home. Unlike all the other times, I've come home from Seattle. I was rushed to see many grandma at her house. It turns out that she wasn't even at home. She was at my cousin's place. Probably trying to get away from all the construction that has been going on around her area.

Oh well, I did then have lunch with my grandpa. How nice it is to be back home. I really do love my grandpa. He has always been a constant figure in my life. Always appreciated my presence. Always give me this warm warm smile and tell me the stories that I have heard many time before. Hopefully he feels the same way as I do. One of my goals to do back home this time is to cherish the moments like this. I know how much this can be missed.. remembering the last time I was home.

Ah. My laptop is heating up along with the weather. Like me, I think my laptop has gotten used to being in a relatively cooler, yet crazy in Seattle. Hmm.. ah! There's a box of laptop cooling pad. Let me check it out.. it might prevent my thighs from burning up.

and... it does help! hmmmm :)

Then after lunch, we just hung out at our new condo. Near my new internship place. Convenient doesn't it? Thanks to my dad! I figured that this could be a little shed of absence of his overprotectiveness. I think it is. But I'll let you know what is really the deal with letting me live here. Well, with my brother. And, sometimes my parents will pop up out of nowhere to spend the night! This summer will be hilarious. Not that I've something crazy planned, but it will be funny anyway...

Anyway, so now I am at home. Alone. Ah, the weekdays where I don't have anything to worry about just yet. I actually need to go shopping.. but no car at this point. This totally reminds me about my Epidemiology class this past quarter. Hmm.. such bad grade, but you know what? I'm content with this quarter! I know I've learned something. Isn't that good enough? Isn't it? :( I don't know.. I'm not in the dean's list this quarter, but next time! I will! Fall quarter 2010!!!

Sorry, my nerdiness took over for just a second over there. But yea, I'm officially bored. It's burning up since it's around 11 now.. near noon! I actually have a lot of readings to do. Just trying to figure out where would be the best place to do this. I do want to lay in the sun. Tanning. Hmmmm. That sounds like a good idea. But it's too.... hot. I'm just going to roll around on the granid floor, hoping to cool myself off while reading mountains beyond mountains. :)

Sounds like a good plan for now! I'm off to do that then!


Will be updating this more often this summer! Hurray!

my happiness

when faced with choices of my future,
here are my choices and thoughts..
with absolute honesty

เรา.. มีความสุขกับการถ่ายรูป
แต่ก็รู้ว่าเก่งไม่พอ ไม่creativeพอ
ไม่มีทุนไปซื้อกล้อง ไม่มีเวลาไปถ่ายรูป
ไม่มีความสามารถขนาดนั้น..
ความสุขนี้ จึงกลายเป็นแค่ a hobby

แต่กับอีกทางเลือกหนึ่ง..
เรามีความสุขเวลาเราเห็นคนยิ้ม เวลาเราได้ช่วยเหลือคน..
ในขณะเดียวกันนั้น เราสนใจในเรื่องร่างกายคน
การที่ส่วนต่างๆของร่างกายคนเรา ทำงานด้วยกัน
เพื่อที่จะผลิตผลอย่างหนึ่ง และควบคุมการทำงานนั้นๆ
เราเลยอยากเป็นหมอ เพราะเราคิดว่าเราจะเป็นหมอที่ดี
เพราะเราแคร์ความรู้สึกของคน ไม่ว่าเราจะรู้จักหรือไม่..
เพราะเราเคยคิดว่าว่านั่น.. คือจุดสูงสุดของชีวิตเรา


แล้วอย่าลืม Econ ละ...


เราจะทำอะไรหลังจากจบไปแล้วหรอ..?








ugh..

Bangkok, my home, burning.

By Caso jin:

After weeks of conflict between the Government and the Red, now Thailand conflict has exploded. With aggressive military action begun during the night on 13 Thursday, this afternoon the main red leaders decided to cease the protest to save lives of protesters from military action (with live rounds) and Government. Such actions only inspire hatred and anger among the people. While the protest was still running, there was a place for such anger to be vented. With the protest ceased, such anger and hatred suddenly exploded. Riot broke out and entire city is on fire. Many places are burned.

Personally, the cause might be Government action (refusal to step down and violent military operation). Many people have warned them about this but they continuously refused. And now, Thailand is on fire.


Dreta: I don't think this is just... mere "mini civil-war". This is the plain old classic civil war. curfew is now up in Bangkok. Everyone will be a target after 8pm. Please don't leave your residence. Stay safe everyone.

Here's some pictures.

i survived!

Yes, I have survived! It's been such a long week for me. But yes, I have survived. The Thai Floating Market event was earlier today. We didn't get that much responses from people as I expected, it was kinda sad, but oh well! I had so much fun! Took a lot of photo this year! :) Anyway, it's now in the past!

At this point, I only have one more midterms left. Every class is so overwhelming right now. Hmmm.. One more chem midterm and thats it. i'm done! Well.. then it's finals, and I'm screwed.

Next week, I'll be presenting my project on Malnutrition and health in term of economic development. This will be interesting since it is going to be my first time presenting it to the public. I am kinda nervous, but it will definitely be interesting. :) Hehe! I'll definitely have to walk around to check out some other people's research work!

By the way, Seattle has been sunny and spring-like for the last few days. I'm sooooo HAPPY.

anyway, i think i'm brain-dead. so... i'm going to bed now.
good bye the world!

been away

I've been away for a while. pretty busy you know?


Let me list out the things I need to do this week:

• Econ Research proposal Wednesday
  
• Rewrite Biology paper
• Study for EPI 405 Midterm
• Thai Floating Market Event on Friday 5/14
  (a lot of things to do for this event :< )
• Attend a seminar and write a report about that
• Registration Tuesday Morning
• Set up the Thai Traditional Dancing class on Thursday
• Econ progress report for the project
• Thai Student Association BBQ on Sunday
• NSCS volunteering on Sunday Afternoon

and more...

unexpected

Remember when I talked about how inhumane people can be by judging the "red-shirts" that they are just a piece of garbage. I've always thought those people are low. But i've seen and experienced it with someone so close to me. it's very surprising how easily people can come up with such a stupid ideas like those. I'm very disappointed. very very disappointed, it's rather sad to be honest. I've always looked up to her as an older sister and now all the things she have been saying lately. not only insulting the "Thai" people, saying that the red-shirts are not thai people. But excuse who are you? you don't even live in Thailand. Most of your family lives in New york. How can you say such things? it's just.. tragic.

one day when i can't stand it, i probably confront her. right now i just want to see how far she can go. how far a human being can view things so... differently.

:(

hurt locker

"going to war is a once in a life time experience.. it could be fun"
said the doctor at the base in Iraq, Hurt Locker

Watching this. Along with the thoughts of Chris Hedges's words in my head. Maybe this world is a little darker than I thought. Hold on, let me rephrase it. Maybe human beings are a lot darker than I thought.

Pray the Devil Back to Hell

these women are my new heroes.
somebody, not just one individual person, but one group of people
need to stand up and show everyone how desperately they need something
something, so delicate as peace.

cheers to these ladies, for making peace possible in Liberia.

the idea of security

the problem that was raised (in my head) by the discussion triggered in the conference earlier today is about the issue of security.

if security is categorized by UNDP into:

• Economic security
• Accessibility to standard quality food
• Health security
• Environmental Security
• Personal Security
• Community Security
• Political security

do i currently feel secured right now?
do everyone has the rights to security?
yes we do.

but how do we achieve that?









this is an open-ended question.
please feel free to reply.

how making peanut butter and jelly sandwich is sacred...

Day 1 at the "Western Regional International Health Conference: War and Global Health"



Like I've mentioned on the previous post, I am attending the WRIHC this year. I was one of the first people to check in. Well, I have to go to class during the midday and really, that was the only time that I could register before actually attending the sessions.

The first session I got the chance to attend was one of the pre-conference session, "Roadmap to Security: A Meeting of the Minds on Inequality, Conflict and Health." First, we were introduced the definitions of war, and we discussed about what constitutes the 'warless' society. At that point, we came to the conclusion that the warless society requires an unsegmented society, where there's no form of intrinsic or extrinsic commodity. Everyone is therefore born equal.

The idea that was mentioned that had never crossed my mind before is that fact that when we allow our country to go to war, we (as a collective group of human beings) are accepting those casualties and deaths that we know come along with a war; that there will be a winner and also a loser. (Ouch! That hurts to the bones, but I gotta admit that that is indeed true... as much as I do not want to accept it.)

The funny thing was that someone mentioned that we go to war when it's only profitable for us.

So there I was, sitting in the crowded room, being presented with the concept of war and inequality. All I can think about is the situation back home. Yes, we are on the verge of civil war. No matter how hard you deny it, the situation in Thailand right now might result in the civil war, not triggered by the differences in ethnicity, not differences in race. But we are going to war with our own people, simply due to the differences in opinion and perception. To me, that is just plain scary.

Then we participated in an activity, in which we were to think about the root cause of war. "Why do we go to war?" Ugh! How am I supposed to answer that? But we were told to think back step by step. This method actually is actually very thought-provoking, and the discussion that followed definitely widen my perspective on the root cause of war.


------------

After that I've got a chance to listen to Chris Hedges, the Keynote speaker. The topic of his address was "War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning."

To be honest, when i was listening to his address, all I wanted to say to him was "dude, why so pessimistic?" He talked a lot about the experiences as a journalist in the warfare scene. His thoughts were just plain.. sick. He was describing how human nature drives the individuals in the military to this adrenaline rush when one knows one has the power to ruin, not just an object, but another human being's life. He also mentioned that you would never find friends in the context of war. Not even that, he was talking about how some people never actually find true friendship in their whole life, and there are some who are fortunate enough to like.. find a couple friends. At that point, I was like.. "dude, what the hell, why so dark?" And I knew it that he was going to mention Freud and how he described the "id" self as a part of our brutal self. AND HE DID! That was all I can think of him, and I was on the mindset of "what-is-wrong-with-this-person?" until....

Until after the end of his address during the questions and answers time, one of the thing that we have mentioned is about how he survived from such an inhumanitarian society in the context of war, how he remiain humane after all the he'd been true. He mentioned that he has PTSD and it takes him more than 3 years to get over. Even now, there are some occasion events that revisit him in the form of dreams. He talked about his struggle to come back, how he drank as the solution to not remember those tragic incidences he had experienced. I feel pity for him..

However, his last few lines just got to me when he was telling a story, about how he picked up his daughter from school, and was making her a Peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her. And she asked him, I don't know how you do it, to live the life that you lived and then come back to this "boring" moment of making PJ sandwiches. What he said after that, just make me want to cry on the spot... he responded, it is because the life that I had lived, that made me realize how sacred a moment like this is, making pj sandwich for my daughter..

:'(



It just makes me think a lot... about my own life. Although I haven't lived my life for that long, I have not experienced all the things that are out there in the world... But I have realized the values and the significance of family in such a harsh way.. It was not deaths, but it was the fear of deaths for the family members. Being here in United States, of course, isolated me from the rest of my family, who is on the other side of the world. But how can I forget that night, that night.. that I thought I'd lose my father forever. It just makes me who I am today, makes me realize that family is one of the most important thing you actually possessed. :( So I almost cried when he said that...

busy busy me

so this weekend i'll be attending a conference about war and global health. it would be interesting! :) I've been waiting for this for a while! So it better be good!

I just need to remember to be professional!!

network. sell yourself and network!



good luck, emily!

bikers are hot.

So... I did something rather obnoxious today.
I'm still kinda embarrassed about it.

I walked up to someone and ask to take photos of his bike!
It was so awkward. but hey, it was a nice bike!


p.s. and i have personal motivation.
i love bikers. HAHA!

people with no brain.

So I was reading over this article about the current situation in Thailand, regarding to the current demonstration and the recent clash (April 10th 2010) that resulted in many deaths and more than 500 casualties.

I can say that I am supporting the ideology and the philosophy of what the red-shirts claimed to fight for. I can say that I do not agree with the extends of their action. Yes, they need to be heard. Yes, the government should listen to them. However, I am not saying that the government should be the only one to lose, BOTH SIDES need to compromise to sustain peace and improve the economy most effectively. We, as a country, need political stability.

But I am more of a listener than a talker. I hate when people try to impose their political opinions on me, since I most likely do not do that on them. So even though my friends and I might disagree in politics, we never brought the topics up because we don't think that this should be the reason to argue over.


Please excuse the type of languages that might show up in the next paragraph. I apologize in advance if it might offend anyone, but my intention is to state this with my raw emotions.

So the point here is actually about the article. After I finished reading the articles, I was checking out the comments that were made. And, unfortunately, I've found this fucked-up comment. (I do not have the quote of the comment. I wish I do have it to prove how ignorant and uncivilized people can be. but it was deleted before I got the chance to copy it). This 'person' was saying that as long as we, the Thai people, listen to the "poor, uneducated (Thai) people" by letting them vote and even spare their opinions, Thailand will never achieve democracy; that in the case that we start listening to these people, we are better off to be called a communist, and that the "poor, uneducated people are ripping us off" (I remember this line, i mean how can anyone forget this ignorant line).

This assbitch definitely did not fucking pass political science 101, or fucking common sense 101. WHAT KIND OF DEMOCRACY WOULD THAT BE, HUH? The democracy that the "poor, uneducated person" do NOT deserve the chance to vote. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Which fucking sources give you that stupid, ignorant idea? This kind of person just doesn't even deserve to have to right to think. What did you use this think? OBVIOUSLY not a brain. Definitely not a brain. I can't express how frustrated I am right now to know that there's a person with this kind of ideology existed on the same planet as me. It's just devastating. Or even disgusting.

Everyone has the RIGHT to vote in democracy, asshole. I understand that the concept of the 'pure' democracy has never been successfully established in the world. But that is because people in corrupted. It is in human nature. However, this fact does NOT alter the actual concept of democracy, where EVERYONE, and YES that includes your so-called "poor, uneducated people", has the right to express their votes, because EVERYONE HAS EQUAL CIVIL RIGHTS.

This incidence then linked back to short article that someone I know wrote, about how the Bangkokians should start consider the people from lower socioeconomic class from the rural areas more seriously. That in fact, their opinions mean something in the world of democracy. That they are not doing everything simply because they get paid to do it. That their ideas and thoughts are worth listening to. I know that there are those kinds of people existed among the Bangkokians. Yes, I am from Bangkok, Thailand as well, however, these ideas have never crossed my mind i.e. the people from the rural areas are just not as knowledgable as we are. It's one of the misconception that the Bangkokians need to fix. When there's a change in this perception of the lower class people, then we might be able to perform more effectively as a "global" country. We might be able to step back to be one of the emerging markets in the world.

Like I said I don't usually express my thoughts when it comes to politics. But hopefully, people will consider what I've discussed. Maybe it might help in relieving the current situation in Thailand.


Hopefully this will end peacefully.

deactivated from facebook

Hah! I just got a grip to deactivate myself on facebook!

good bye, social life. At least, until I'm done with my 3 midterms:
Organic Chemistry (4/16)
Physiology (4/19)
Epidemiology (4/21)

crazy isn't it?

i don't think it's a good idea for me to hate/resent you...

I'm going to start off with a story..

this particular guy, lets call him.. Mr. H.
for some i-don't-even-remember-what reason,
i just really DON'T like him.
then whenever we worked together..
all i see is his flaw, repeating itself
and he doesn't even know it..

FLAW FLAW FLAW..
all over the place it's such a mess.



so i've been thinking. i could be such a b*tch sometimes.
since i don't think he knows i hate him.
(yes, hate is indeed a strong word.)
i must be pulling off some good poker faces after all these years.

yes i do take grudges. and i don't think it ever goes away.
well, unless you can prove to me right away (the 2nd time?)
that my first impression is indeed wrong, you are in my
deep dark corner of my heart, creeping out to
ruin my mood once in a while..

well unless you have to work with them all the time
like mr. H here. ugh..



whatever.


here's something that calm me down.
photography.

dreams

So I had a dream a couple nights ago. Let's say it's one of those dream that makes you don't want to wake up (to reality) and you know it. So I tried getting back to sleep, but before i got to do that, I glared at the alarm clock...

and i just gave up.




























dreams will remain dreams unless you make it real.
this is the second time i dream of you.


I'm trying to make it real, so wish me good luck, everyone.

my photography

if you're interested in learning more about my life via photography,
here you go...

jonsi & "happy new years, friends"

i was waiting so long to go to jonsi concert. although i was sort of expecting more of it, but they were really talented anyway.

i remember 'go do' was the first song i've heard from his new album. of course, i've known him from sigur ros, the icelandic band. oh well, just want to express that.































So my friends came up from OR to see this concert. They spent the weekend with me, and that was good times. Now it's back to reality. back to working, back to complications, and frustration. ugh!




Talking about frustration. The situation in Thailand turns out to be like what I'd expected. bloody mess. This whole situation just cease everything. To be honest, I really do not have anything much in response to this political clash (war) that is going on allover Thailand right now. not right now. I just want to pay respect for people who passed away from this preventable incidence. Both the soldiers and the red-shirts. :(

and don't forget that it's new year in Thailand. how nice of them to turn this "holiday" and turn it into something rather sad. I'd like to wish you all, my thai friends and family, happy new year anyway. who knows what is going to happen in the future. this will not stop until.. I'm just going to stop with that. but i think we all know how this is going to end, we are just all in denial, because we are frightened of changes.

some people just never learn from the history

this post is just going to be about the demonstration that is currently going on all over thailand right now. normally i don't discuss politics with anyone, ever. thailand's politics are just too complicated. sometimes it affects your social life, so I've always just listen when someone brought it up. however, right now i just want to mention it. from my perspective. from my very personal perspective.

as of now, Thailand has declared the state of emergency. again. Last I've heard about the situation over there is that the government is trying to dissolve, not the "selected, but not elected" parliament, but the demonstration of the "red-shirts". I don't claimed to be one of the red-shirts, although when it comes to ideology, i'm definitely with them. i've always grown up hearing about the history of thailand's so-called "democracy", and how far we've come as a country. it is rough since there is no absolute democracy anywhere in the world. and i don't think there ever will be one.

since i was a kid, i've always heard about this struggle for democracy, the october 6th incident, where many horrible things happen. activists were brutally murdered. some images that i've seen have always lingered in my mind. and to be honest, some of those pictures are my motivation to do better. to make the world better. to dream of the world of "understanding" and most definitely, peace. these stories and images definitely contribute to making who i am today, i dare say that.



i apologized for the graphic photo. THIS IS NOT AN ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SUCH ACTION. hopefully it serves as a lesson for everyone, not only the thai people.

anyway, for someone who might come across this blog, and want to learn more about the political situation in thailand. thailand recently banned an issue of the Economist due to the nature of its content. well, the content is something everyone in thailand knows about but do not dare talk about it. here's the link to online version of the article.


p.s. i really do hope that this would end peacefully. however, it's the balance between justice and peace. hopefully one is possible without the expense of another.

thank you, whoever is listening..

as crazy as it may sounds..
after the previous post about crappy seattle weather...
we've seen sunlight for 2 consecutive days now!
despite the fact that it's literally "crazy" weather you know?

like snow, hail, warm sunny, cold sunny, more rain.. and all in one day.



WELCOME TO SEATTLE, MY LOVE. :)
i love the unpredictability of seattle's weather.



p.s. jonsi's concert is tmr. i'm excitedd!

the weather needs to get better soon

it's been really grim lately in seattle.
my good friend was visiting last week..
and the weather sure did not welcome him.
it was disappointing.














i mean i can totally tolerate weeks of cold, rainy days.
but not like this, not after a week-long spring break
of warm sunny days in the bay area.

oh, how much i miss san francisco

Crazy people with a cause, and those without

Crazy people with a cause. Well, at least I believe so.
































Those without one. I really just don't get them. This is their idea of "fun"?

Technology and Deaths

For the past week, my phone has been dying on me at the most random time. It'd just stop whenever I tried to text or even do something functionally easy e.g. call out. I can still pick up the phone when someone called though. So I guess I'm not that antisocial, just yet.

Not only that, my laptop has been dying on me too! I don't know what it is with all the technology I owned. Talking about this makes me also realized that on my way home today.. my ipod just froze on me.



Maybe this is really not my month.

Maybe.




P.S. I really hope my lovely laptop/phone/ipod don't die soon. I need them more than they would ever know. *sigh*